Greetings,
I hope that this message finds you well. Actually, I know that this message will find you well, and I know exactly where you will be when you read it, for I am from the future. Not too far into the future, just over five years, so don’t bother wondering if I will tell you about stock tips or what flying around in jet packs is like. No, instead I’m simply here to tell you a little bit about the world I live in, the world you soon will live in, to prepare you for the reality you about to face. You may want to sit down for this.
It’s the year 2015. I no longer live in the USA, as that was renamed a few years ago into its new moniker, The United States of Chinamerica. I’m not entirely sure of the specifics, but apparently the combination of a crippled economy, a dour public sentiment, and a gulf so filled with oil it resembled watered-down Coke, the US started borrowing funds from overseas. Then, they borrowed some more. And some more. And some more. They kept borrowing, until one day some blogger with a fancy calculator came to the realization that, due to all of its investments, China had effectively completed a takeover of the US government. This was a shock to both parties involved, though I suppose it was a slightly more pleasant shock to the Chinese. At any rate, one simple little Blogger account essentially started a chain of events that led to the merging of two of the largest governments in the world.
The transition from USA to USCA was a slow one, but many of the effects were more immediate. For one thing, the athletic implications were astounding. The US, long seen as the doormat in one of the most popular sports on the planet, now finally could field a competitive ping pong team. So get ready for that. The 2014 Olympic were a complete joke. I think the final medal count was something like 752 to 1. The marathon still eludes us, but that’s a topic for another day. Another interesting instant change was in cuisine. It was no longer appropriate, or approved, to call a certain food item “American food” or “Chinese food”, as the two nations were now one. However, it would have been ludicrous to place hamburgers and fried rice in the same category. Therefore, instead of creating two naming conventions, all food items from the two nations were combined. McDonald’s now serves all of its Big Macs with a side of noodles. Chicken McNuggets have become Orange Chicken McNuggets. You get the picture. Pizza was an interesting conundrum, but luckily the folks at California Pizza Kitchen had already come up with a Mandarin Noodle Sesame Fortune Cookie Pizza, so we were safe. Those guys can make pizza out of anything.
The other changes you will notice were less than sudden. Come to think of it, most of the other things that have happened had little to do with the China merger, as they pretty much just left us to ourselves. For example, I was looking at a globe the other day, one that was printed in the past year, and I noticed something strange. Half of it was blank. Completely empty. You see, about five years ago the decision was made so simply stop exploring. We no longer wanted to spend the time or resources on discovery, so we in essence formed a giant nation-sized cocoon. As a result, nobody even knows what else is out there in the world, much less the universe. Heck, half the kids today can’t even spell Mars. I asked my son to go across the street to see if he could find some firewood, and he told me that “the amount of energy he would have to expend far exceeds his desire to make that journey.” He was going to “reevaluate his priorities” and get back to me in a few years. So I burned his dresser.
People have gotten a lot more snippy, I’ve noticed. For one thing, they seem to care a lot more about what you’re doing, and your “qualifications” for doing it. I was having dinner at a restaurant a while back, and I set my fork down for a second to talk. All of a sudden, seven uniformed men came running at me asking me to show them some identification, as they had reason to believe that I was at the restaurant illegally. My Country Club asks me for my membership card every time I bogey a hole on the golf course. Just about everyone is under the impression that it’s just fine to hassle someone for ID if you even think they may be doing wrong. Ah well, keeps the riff raff out I guess.
I hope this hasn’t gotten you too down, or my writing has been too depressing. I simply wanted to give you a head’s up on some of the change coming your way. I suppose I should leave you with something positive, so you at least have something to look forward to. Here you go. Last year, at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, the USCA dominated. We won the whole dang tournament, and in doing so, didn’t allow a single goal. Why, you may ask? Well, we had a secret weapon.
Yao Ming was our goalie.
