Mondays with Jim

I will go ahead and apologize, but for reasons that will soon become obvious I must keep my identity anonymous.  However, let this not deter you from reading, for the story I am about to tell will capture your imagination from beginning to end.  Last weekend, armed only with a laptop and a stunning wit, I committed what can only be described as the perfect crime.  It will go down in history as merely a car robbery, but that hardly does it justice.  Cleaner than a dentist’s molars, this was no mere robbery, it was a work of art.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy the recounting of my mastery.  Here, in stunning detail, is the story of the time I stole a car from some by named Mr. Hertz.

All crimes have motives, and while this one was no different, it lacks the punch you might expect.  My motive for stealing a car: boredom.  Though it lacks a certain nobility of purpose, you, too, would be tempted to break the law if you worked forty hours a week at a squeaky toy manufacturing plant.  After three tortuous hours on my first day at the job, I knew I needed to do something different.  That’s when I hatched this brilliant scheme.  I knew I wanted to steal a car, but first I need to know who to steal from.

Thank God for the internet.  A few quick keystrokes, and I soon discovered the perfect target.  Apparently, somewhere in a corner office you’ll find this guy Mr. Hertz, a man who loves to brag about his cars.  I kept reading on and on about his “unrivaled fleet” and how he “has a car for everyone.”  Everyone?  Puh-leeze.  There’s like fifty billion people on this planet, so clearly the man was exaggerating.  He had to be taken down, and I was just the man to do it.  Now that I had my target, I needed to identify the car to steal.  Well, lo and behold, the brainiac has a whole website devoted to his cars!  There’s a reason that the Ft. Knox doesn’t have a website showing off its money, and yet here’s this doofus Hertz showing every single one of his cars, complete with detailed specifications and everything.  This was going to be easier than I thought.

I spent a solid hour on his website, analyzing each mark for the perfect car to steal.  I decided upon a Toyota Camry.  (Note to all you budding criminals out there:  The cops always suspect the most expensive things to get stolen.  Go for something nobody would think to take, like a Toyota.)  I waited a few days to ward off any suspicion, and decided Friday would be the day to make my move.  That day, emboldened with limitless fervor and determination, I strode into the not-so-secret layer of my target.  Here’s a few observations about Mr. Hertz’s garage.  First of all, he does very little to hide the fact that this is his garage.  I mean, the guy’s got his name plastered literally all over the walls and stitched on the front of his employee’s shirts.  All it was lacking was one of those big rotating spotlights and a blimp flying overhead with a “Mr. Hertz lives here” marquee flashing on its side.  Stevie Wonder could have found this guy’s place.  Anyway, the other thing you notice is that this Hertz fella has a TON of cars.  Seriously, he makes Jay Leno’s collection look like a broke used car lot.  Any lingering remorse I felt about stealing one of this guy’s cars was gone the minute I saw his garage.

My next step was to find the car I had intended to steal.  As I mentioned, this seemed a daunting task what with the multitude of cars in front of me.  However, as silly as it may sound, old Hertzy’s got employees with just this problem in mind.  One such employee, whom I will refrain from identifying as it will surely get her fired, told me exactly where to go to find the car I was about to steal.  Marvelous.  Even better, when I reached the destination she described to me, they had written my name in large letters above the car!  What idiots!  That’s like putting a giant sign over a Jersey porn star that says “Tiger Woods.”  Stealing this car seemed about as simple as stealing water from the ocean.

I forgot the best part.  So, there I was, standing in front of this automobile, desperately trying to figure out how exactly to break into it without causing too much of a commotion.  I thought about breaking the window.  I thought about popping the lock.  I even thought about conning an employee to open it for me, but turns out it was even simpler than anything I could have thought of.  Turns out, and I absolutely swear this is true, the door was unlocked and the keys were in the ignitions.  Let me repeat that one.  The door was unlocked and the keys were in the ignition!  My goodness.  Oxygen would have been more difficult to steal.

I got in the car, started the ignition, and slowly made my way toward the exit.  Only two final hurdles remained: the security guard and what appeared to be massive metal spikes guarding the exit.  The security guard was easy.  He asked for my identification, and after I gave it to him, he motioned me toward the exit.  Now, you’re probably wondering why I would hand my driver’s license to a guard when stealing a car.  Well, little does the guard know, but I now part my hair in the opposite direction of my picture, so even if he figures out the car is stolen, he stands no chance at identifying me.  (Name redacted) 1, Guard 0.  The metal spikes seemed treacherous, but upon further inspection I nearly laughed at their simplicity.  Of all the ridiculous security measures Mr. Hertz has in his garage, this one takes the cake.  Here he has these tire-puncturing spikes, het they only do any damage if you are driving in reverse.  In reverse!  What idiot would steal a car back INTO the garage?  Not this guy.  I drove over the spikes, and completed my perfect crime.

CONCLUSION
After a few days of reflection, I decided to return the car to its owner.  I decided that the perfect crime was reward enough in and of itself, and I needed no prize to seal my victory.  Thus, on Sunday evening, I brought the car back to its originating garage.  Truth be told, I don’t think I even needed to wear the ski mask and black gloves.  They acted like I hadn’t even stolen it!  If I could, I’d like to take a moment to send a personal message to Mr. Hertz, whoever you are.  Mr. Hertz, first of all, sorry for stealing your car.  However, I feel it necessary to let you know that the security you have in place to guard your massive car collection is severely lacking.  Seriously, who leaves the keys to his car in the ignition?  If you’d like to keep your substantial car fleet just as substantial, I would suggest you take a second look at how your cars are protected.  It may just keep brilliant, scheming criminals like myself from taking advantage.

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