Dear NCAA,
I was flipping channels on my low-voltage television set last week when I happened upon a news conference called by one of your public relations managers. The conference was called, it seemed, to effectively announce that your organization was paving the way to a men’s basketball tournament that will feature 32 more teams, bringing the total to 96. I would like to add my name to the list of individuals who is in defiant opposition to this idea, for many of the same reasons that have been mentioned by public figures in recent days. Expanding the tournament would decrease the importance of the regular season, dilute the prestige of its involvement, and risk the ruination of America’s greatest single-elimination event.
But these points have all been made before. Indeed, I am sure that you have seen and read the vitriol that has been written and said throughout the media recently. Their reasoning is sound, however I see it fit to add yet another point to the proceeding. The expansion of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament will have a profound, detrimental impact to the single greatest crisis that exists in our world today: global warming. Let me explain.
IMPACT NUMBER ONE: Paper Conservation
As I am sure you are keenly aware, our world’s forests are being sapped dry in the name of paper production. Through inventions of mine such as the internet and the electronic scanner, we have made great strides in the past decade in reducing the need of paper in our society. Your bright idea would strike deep in the heart of that progress. Each year, literally millions of Americans print out paper versions of the tournament bracket, in an attempt to prove they know more about basketball than Dick Vitale. Up until now, my organization has worked with CBS to ensure that the bracket fits nicely on one 8 1/2 x 11 inch sheet of paper. Adding 32 teams to the bracket is more than any one sheet of paper can handle, and thus the people will be forced to print their brackets on either two sheets of paper one one, gasp, legal-sized sheet.
I don’t have to tell you how catastrophic this change will be. Let me ask you one simple question, NCAA: Do you hate trees? I mean, seriously, do you enjoy the thought of the senseless murder of these noble ferns? I’ve asked my scientists to evaluate the impact of such a change in paper use. When asked how much land would go treeless as a result of your new change, here’s what they came up with: South America. Sorry, Brazil, no more apples for you.
IMPACT NUMBER TWO: Academic Distraction
Adding more teams to the tournament will have minimal impact on what most people describe as the “power” conferences: the ACC, the Big XII, the Big East, etc. In addition to having excellent athletic pedigree, the schools in these conferences typically enroll students that grade lower on subjects that matter global warming, like math, science, and english. The greatest impact, however, will be felt by some of the smaller conferences, as now they have the possibility of producing multiple entrants into your tournament. This means that the students that we actually care about, those from schools like Harvard, Yale, and Cal Tech, will waste more of their spring semesters analyzing the impact of offensive efficiency rather than important stuff like photosynthesis.
We need these kids, NCAA. They are our future. If you insist on distracting their time with basketball, then the number of young, qualified scientists will decrease at a rapid rate. The average age of our experts will slowly increase, and soon Congress will be inundated with lectures on the need for more efficient motorized scooters and the need to conserve energy by turning off “those magic video boxes.” Please, NCAA. Leave the Harvard kids alone. If they discover that there is a world beyond their biology textbooks, then we’re all in trouble.
IMPACT NUMBER THREE: ECONOMIC APOCALYPSE
To understand this point, you’ll have to follow my logic. The NCAA Tournament serves, yearly, as one of the greatest hindrances to vocational work. What happens when workers are watching basketball? They aren’t working. And what happens when they aren’t working? Productivity declines. And what happens when productivity declines? Companies lose money. And what happens when companies lose money? Salaries decline. And what happens when salaries decline? People have less money to spend on nonsensical, frivolous items like hybrid vehicles. You can draw a straight line between the success of our environment and the purchases of needless “efficient” products. At least we think there is. There’s actually no data to back it up, but do you want that kind of blood on your hands, NCAA? I didn’t think so.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, I believe I have accurately explained to you how, by expanding the tournament to 96 teams, you will be destroying all the trees in South America, forcing the alteration of majors for all Harvard students from Biology to General Studies, and completely eliminate the solar panel market. Is all of that really worth letting Slippery Rock play one more game?
Sincerely,
Albert Gore
