If prompted, I would describe myself as a man not wanting for entertainment. “Easy to please,” as they say. To put it mildly, it doesn’t take much to get me excited, usually just the prospect of a fun game or a thought-provoking activity. However, certain activities tend to rise above the others, offering a new level of excitement that I typically do not reach. It is these rare moments that become truly memorable, the ones that stay with you for long periods of time. Last Monday was such an experience. I had the opportunity, the pleasure, nay, the honor of attending the Houston regional round of the United States Air Guitar Championships. For a man with my taste for the extra-ordinary and love of all things eccentric, I knew it would be a night to remember. I was right. Let me explain just what I saw.
PEOPLE
I can’t describe the US Air Guitar Championships without first describing those that attended the US Air Guitar Championships. Basically, it was exactly the kind of people you would expect to attend such an event. To say that these were people void of inhibitions would be a gross understatement. Outfits ranged from the discreetly mild to the grossly outlandish, and everywhere in between. The title sponsor for the event was a local 80’s rock station, but it might as well have been the US Audobon Society, for all the feathers visible in the crowd. Sensational.
Most of the attendees were lost to the memory, but one in particular stood out. His name is Dan Crane, but don’t bother calling him by that name, as he won’t answer to it. Instead, Crane prefers the name Bjorn Toroque, with his two-syllabic last name providing hours of giggling among the crowd. Toroque is known the world over as the Second Best Air Guitarist in the World. Now, let me answer the many questions that just entered your mind. Yes, the Air Guitar Championships have an international flavor, with the worldly competition held each year in Finland. Yes, there do exist people who compete in such events multiple times, not simply the result of a dare or drinking binge. And yes, Toroque does possess a certain level of notoriety, as he has licensed a line of t-shirts and written a book describing his journey. I don’t have many heroes in this world, but Bjorn Toroque now ranks among the limited few.
EVENT
Your standard air guitar competition consists of two rounds. In round one, the contestants are allowed to pick a song of their choosing, with round two consisting of a routine to a song decided by the organizers. Air guitarists are judged on three main criteria, each of vital importance. First is “Technical Merit,” or the ability of the contestant to accurately mimic the playing of the guitar. Now, keep in mind that they don’t have to accurately mimic the ‘normal’ playing of the guitar, so you will often see someone mimic the spinning flip of the guitar while doing a reverse aerial 360 blindfolded and suffering from a mild case of the flu. Accuracy trumps realism. The second criteria is “Stage Presence,” or the ability to bring a crazed group of eclectic drunks to their feet. This is usually accomplished in one of two ways, either by a rousing, endurance-trying performance or by shouting at the top of your lungs, “beer’s on me!” Nonetheless, higher scores are given to those who bring the house down. The final criteria is the one most difficult to describe, “Airness.” Coined by the organizing committee, this trait is one that can only be seen, and thus I have a hard time penning its usage or importance. Basically, you know it when you see it. One who displays proper “airness” is one who is able to truly grasp the vitality and essence of the air guitar.
CONCLUSION
I’m not usually one to over-hype things, but air guitar competitions may be the greatest thing to have ever been invented, ever. With all of the focus usually being on the difficulties and challenges of our daily lives, I think it’s important to take some time, every once in a while, and enjoy the fact that we live in a world where a person can stand on stage, wearing a fluorescent lion’s headdress, wildly manipulating his fingers to imitate a common act, and have people not only cheer for him, but pay money for the chance. If that isn’t living, then I don’t know what is.
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