NASHVILLE, TN — Local third grader Billy Thompson, in what is believed to be the first victory of its kind, successfully defeated Patty Jones by a final vote tally of 12-8 to win the George Washington Carver Elementary School Class Presidency. That he won the election was noteworthy enough, but the true buzz from this campaign came from Thompson’s decision to eschew the traditional campaign procedures and run as a member of the wildly popular “Tea Party.”
His campaign mired in mediocrity, trailing by a presumptively insurmountable seven votes, Thompson made the party switch with just weeks remaining before election day. “We wanted to shake things up,” said Thompson’s top adviser, “We knew we needed to go in another direction, but we weren’t sure where to turn.” Thompson turned to the one person he trusted the most, the experienced veteran whom he sought out to for the important decisions: his mother. “Mom always talked about this Sarah lady and how someday she was gonna be President because she threw all these great tea parties.” Once Billy’s mother was able to clear up the egregious misunderstanding, she began to educate him on the key tenants of the Tea Party movement. A legend was born.
Like Moses coming down from Mt. Sinai, Billy Thompson was now filled with the knowledge needed to accomplish his task. “The first thing you gotta do,” Thompson explained, “is yell and scream about how bad things are and make it sound like your opponent is out to get you.” Thompson accomplished this in spades, likening his opposition, Patty Jones, to what he described as the “Teacher’s Lounge Elite.” He went on the offensive, talking about the dangers of free lunch programs and likening the gift of free textbooks to the tactics of Stalin and Marx. “Sure, everyone does need textbooks to learn, and not everyone can afford them, but why should our wealthy parents take money out of their pockets just so other kids can learn?,” explained an anonymous Thompson supporter. Thompson didn’t let up, railing against the schools “Free Pencil” policy which costs the school upwards of forty dollars each year. He vowed to cut wasteful spending, like the dozens and dozens of dollars that teachers receive in bonus money for promoting students to higher grades. “This money has to come from somewhere. We’re sacrificing the future for our younger brothers and sisters,” he noted.
The campaign was a rousing success. Soon, Thompson’s fellow students began picketing the school’s lunch lines, citing their wasteful spending and frivolous expenditures. They passed a measure with the school board rejecting free textbooks, instead choosing to force their parents to pay for lesser ones. Never before had Carver Elementary seen such a passionate movement. The only thing left for Thompson to do was deliver the final, crushing blow. “There just wasn’t enough hatred for the Jones campaign,” claimed Thompson’s adviser. “We had to do something fast.” And do something he did. Thompson and his team began floating rumors that Patty Jones and her family resided in an area of the city that was outside the purview of Carter Elementary School. They began to create whispers that she should be declared ineligible for the election, noting her “Washington Elementary heritage.” This was all the students needed to make their decision. On voting day, they made their decision: Thompson it was.
George Washington Carver Elementary School is now an interesting place, a land of hope and aspiration. What the students there lack in funding, resources, and general welfare they make up with scholastic pride and smug hearts. I am positive that, years from now, we will all look back on the gripping campaign for Carver Elementary School Third Grade Class President and know that it was the beginning of a cultural and political revolution. Billy Thompson, pioneer.