Mondays with Jim

VANCOUVER, BC – Tragedy has struck the world of men’s figure skating.  In what can only be described as a catastrophic event for the sport, Russian figure skater Ilya Lottasequinov saw his gold medal stripped away due to what the International Olympic Committee describes as a “performance-enhancing device.”  Sources close to Lottasequinov have informed this news agency that the offending device was, concordant with public speculation, an oversized, overtly flamboyant pink feathered boa.

For those unfamiliar with the sport of male figure skating, the necessity and reasoning for using such a heinous device will be unclear.  A closer examination of this glitter-infused activity, however, reveals the Russian’s motive.  From the early 1950’s to the late 1970’s, male figure skating suffered tremendous hits in television ratings worldwide.  Unable to match the glitz of its female counterpart, the sport’s organizers sought to correct this imbalance by altering the very nature of their game.  What they noticed was obvious to most of their fans.  While the men’s game was vastly superior in athleticism, intelligence, strategy, grace, speed, and spinniness, the women were far greater at capitalizing on figure skating’s most prized asset: showmanship.  As such, drastic measures were taken on the men’s side.  Gone were the suits and ties, modest accessories, and logical routines.  In their place, we saw an exponential increase in sequined one-pieces, needless headbands, and wild jumping loopy thingies.  Before long, the popularity of the men’s routines were matching those of their female counterparts.  A lesson was learned: in figure skating, feathers equals fans.

Lottasequinov, seen here in one of his tamer outfits.

The next thirty years saw a dramatic rise in flamboyance.  Shirts (now known as “blouses”) became tighter and exposed more and more bare chests.  Pants, too, say excess air removed and added glitter and unnecessary fur.  Themed costumes even found a way into the world of figure skating, as men fashioned outfits that resembled what can only be described as “rainbow pirates.”  They were loud, they were proud, but they were not without controversy, as the line between flashy and illegal was slowly drawing close.  In the 2003 World Championships, Japanese skater Han Gottalottafeathers was accused of accenting his wardrobe with an outlawed accessory: the peacock feather.  This item, known the world over to elicit sympathy and emotion, was seemingly spotted on the athlete’s right thigh, just below his cheetah-skin belt.  However, video evidence proved inconclusive, and the skater was allowed to keep his winning prize.  Nonetheless, the veil of flamboyant ignorance had been torn in two.  Inside, we all knew that someday a competitor was going to be caught with one of these outlawed devices.

That day was yesterday.  After a torrid video review and the opinion of a panel of figure skating experts (consisting of four Milan fashion designers, Joan Rivers, and a studio host for “E! Entertainment Television”), the conclusion was reached that a thirty-seven foot long, four hundred strong goose-plucked, pink painted feathered boa worn by Ilya Lottasequinov was illegal and subject to the strictest punishment in the rule book.  Such a decision was not easy, as Lottasequinov’s lawyers were quick to point out the thirty-three foot boa worn by American Mike Jazzhandserton just a few years prior.  However, as per the ruling of the judges, this infraction-invoking boa was long enough to violate both the bylaws of the male figure skating community and the Liberace Act of 1992.  “Eet ees tragedy,” exclaimed the forlorn Russian skater.

The lasting effects of this international incident remain to be seen.  Already, claims are being made to clean up the sport and rid it of such heinous accessories.  A tribunal from the Banana Republic has already convened to look into what measures can be taken to prevent such crimes from being committed in the future.  Nonetheless, what cannot be restored is the innocence of this once-proud sport.  The cover having been lifted, we are now in full view of the depths to which these skaters will go to win a gold medal.  Perhaps this will begin the shift back toward a more simple time in figure skating, when men were men, shirts were shirts, and ruffled blouses were but a figment of some disturbed young man’s imagination.  Whatever the case, whatever the outcome, I’m sure we will all remember the day when Ilya Lottasequinov made a mockery of such a respected sport.  One can only hope that, from this day forward, the feathered boa shall be no moa.

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